Lately I have been feeling very unsettled. I partiality blame my birthday coming up, as well as the new year.  It is about the time where I heavily reflect on where I have been and where I am going, but I find the constant push of “what next?” to be stressful at times. I feel as though I have just gotten to where I am now, but I find it difficult to push off thoughts of what my plan is going to be moving forward.

A few months ago I was offered a new job that would involve me to move. I ended up taking the position with almost no hesitation because although it would come with a different set of challenges, it also came with a different set of possibilities.

Within the year 2017 I have had three homes and two jobs, I have been proposed to, and married, I went from being an Aunt of one to an Aunt of four, and as the year is winding down I feel myself so unsettled as I wonder what 2018 will offer me.

As I look around my apartment I struggle to settle in and unpack my things because of the uncertainty of life. When I decide it is time to make my new place feel like home I always feel a little held back as I begin to think of the uncertainties that revolve around feeling ‘settled’. Some days can feel more uncertain than others and although I try to take every moment one at a time it can be so tempting to day dream about what could be.

Where I am now is a very different place than where I was a year ago. Personally, professionally, mentally, physically. I’m not sure if I would say that this is where I would be if you asked me a year ago. This line of thinking perpetuates the idea of the unknown when it comes to where I am going as I head into a new year.

As I day dream I can picture myself in a multitude of roles as well as very different paths that I can see myself being truly happy taking. But as 2017 is coming to a close, and as I gaze onto my new path of 2018 I can’t help but stand at the fork in the road with so many questions, and so few answers.

I try to constantly remind myself that the path in which led me to this moment was the path that made my heart full. It was the path that I didn’t see initially when gazing out onto what I thought were my options, a year ago.

Sometimes the pressures of moving onto the next path feel like walls closing in. But I try to remind myself that that feeling of uncertainty, of stress, or worry can potentially be all for nothing. Because perhaps my next path isn’t prepared for travel just yet. Perhaps if I continue on my current journey, the next one will present itself when it is time, and not a moment sooner.

Via Daily Prompt: Dubious

3 thoughts on “Dubious

  1. I had significant difficulty this year, particularly as my 65th b’day approached–it felt like “age” was slamming into me on top of circumstances; but now I’m “over myself”, full of joy. Wishing you all the best as we round out another year, and begin the adventure of the new one.


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